Friday. 2.13.04 10:04pm lol.. .well i think i solved my problem. I expierienced change from good and bad points... and the walk was nice and relaxing.. something i am atractied to the city.. walkin around... lone gunnin it.. me against the world and im not a fraid to hunt for my own food... you know?
i took the 181 to the transfer station.. i started writing in a journal things i wanted to change.. things i hated about other people... things i loved... people i might love or like.. just life... i wrote down life on that paper thru the old me.. i wrote everything that came to mind...
i kept on writing and i found myself in the mall alrdy.. right in front of a music store.. so i went in and bought a rancid cd ive been wanting... (seriously i didnt mean this kinda music store when i posted b4 i meant like a guitar store... and i was just walking and all the sudden i looked up and it was there... it felt perfect...) im playing it right now actully
i walked out of the store and couldnt find my pencil so i went to target accross the street near toy's r us.. i got to target and bought a pencil and a valintines card... i kept on writing for like 10 minutes... i got to the 3rd page... and then i just stoped... all the sudden i felt lifted... it was werid... right in the middle of a sentince... i forgot exactly wat i was writing at the time but i just stoped... and i got up (i was sitting on a curb) and walked to AM-PM or some store on the corner like that.. and i went in to buy some starburst.. and .... i go and pay for the starburst... and i see my fake id.. so i looked at it and it looked back and winked... i ended up buying a pack of cigarettes.... marlboro medium 100's and a lighter...(i bought 2 packs actually because it was buy 1 get 1 free... like "1 isnt enough to make u an addict.. buy more") everything was only like 7 bucks.. i am suprized now it was soo easy to do.. anyways.. i walk out and find a secret spot to light up.. cuz i didnt want anyone i knew seeing me for some stupid reason.. so i smoked it................
STUPIDIST FUCKING THING IVE EVER DONE.... I MEAN... come the fuck on budddy.... wtf... slap... wtf was i doing.... they were nasty..
i was like wtf why do ppl think this is cool... yah know?.. why would anyone think this is awesome?... i enjoy drinking, over cigarettes... but WHATEVA... ill tell u right now its not worth it straight up.. ive been on both sides of the fence now.. and the feeling u get when smoking is EXTREMELY OVER-RATED wtf i mean come on... my tougue kinda started to feel werid almost like it was burning too... my breathe smells also.. soo i had to wash it out real quick b4 my mom got home..
but ya come on buddy.. "dont tell anyone" i thought to myself... but that was soo dumb i dont think id ever light up again.. but i can see how they hook u.. cuz i had this after-taste in my mouth.. like i was still smoking.. and it reminded me of cigarettes almost like a little signal went on in my head to smoke another one... but ladies and gentlemen... dont smoke.. its stupid and dumb and pointless waste of time... im offically never going to smoke ever again in my life-time... i have too much willpower for these little bitches to be an addict... i know ive been thru worse in my life-time.. never smoking again will be a fuckin breaze no sweat at all..
the point of this chapter in my life was to kill the old me.. to make a new me.. and well i would say that i have changed my outlook/way of life... and i see things in my head clearly now... like the river inside my mind keeps on flowing.. i never knew where the thoughts come from.. but the water kept on pouring down the moutain.. and i think now i see that where the water is coming from..
i then wrote down smoking as a thing i hate... and then i took the lighter and burned the journal i made on life... and its gone the other me is dead now and tomarrow the new me will live on... but i will probably like the same kind of music.. and i will probably still like fat chicks.. and ill probably still laugh all the time.. and ill probably always be crazy..
but i learned somethin tonight.. ALOT OF THINGS... but i have this power now.. that i could easily change myself into anything i wanted to be.. at any moment... its a horny kinda power.. cuz i feel like im in COMPLETE CONTROL of my life... i feel soo free now.. like peer-preasure and hate.. nothin even affects me at all.. i have my own state of mind now.. the wooty state of mind... i really am a different person.. and just like that i was walking home and i found myself at laserQuest and i picked up an application to work there.. as i left someone said later ryan(now that i think about it, i dont know who said it.. and i dont know who he might have been talkin to.. but he was lookin at me when he said it)... and i said later ryan too cuz the old me was then dead..
..i told myself id win the battle and ive become 10x the better person for just this night even if nothin physically changed.. i sure did mentally.. im on top of the world and nothin can stop me..
advice:if anything dont take anyone's word for things... expierament.. but just be responsible... when i got my fake id... i didnt really do the things i said id always do if i ever got one... now that i have one i feel much more in control like i can if i wanna... but i dun wanna smoke.. but hey... maybe im just responsible for my fond age of 16 at any rate i wanna say im done holding myself back.. im gonna live now.. i now have no regrets in life... ive found peace with myself Comment! (0) | Recommend! Friday. 2.13.04 5:48 pm its starting again.. i feel soo mad at myself.. i fucked up b..
..i need to kill it now.. i really need to think about life right now.. my mom isnt gonna be back for a few (5) hours.. i need to walk downtown... i need to find myself tonight... cuz im fucked up right now im really just on my last leg.. i havent told anyone what is goin on.. and i really dont want/need to... but i keep holding it in u know? but im sinking deeper and deeper inside...
i feel ... possessed... almost as if im not in control.. day by day i slip closer to someone i dont wanna be.. i dont wanna talk about life right now, im much too tired to even fathem... yet i HAVE to... i HAVE to talk to myself .. figure out WHAT THE FUCK im doing wrong.. tomarrow i swear to u i will be a different man.. whoever reads this.. i will be different... soo treat this entry as kind of a suicide note... but dont get a head of urself i would never kill myself.. i told u once before... im not a weak man dont label me as one.. and its not what u think its about.. i promiss u all that... cuz i have literally told no one...
one thing im sure of... tomarrow i will be a better person.. soo right now im walkin out the door.. down accross the street where i take the 181 to the transfer-station... where im gonna walk to the mall, from the mall im gonna walk to get somethin to eat.. from there im gonna go to a music shop, an from there im gonna go pick up a job aplication for the next store i see that looks interesting.. an throughout every step i will reponder my foundation on life.. and relive the past changing the very lego blocks i built to stand on in from childhood - to manhood i will change and kill everything i find wrong with myself
this is it balls to the wall..
i just need to start over... ive hit a point in my life that i told myself id never be in.. i need to let go of the old stuff and make myself a better person.. i feel soo trapped i feel like i cant change... like ppl have this image of me that i dont wanna be anymore ... i have to keep on being whomever i am... but the truth is im never the same person.. every time u see me... ive changed.. ive become different... ..
im rambling cuz somethin inside me tells me i dont wanna go.. but really i think thats just the demons inside me not wanting to let go.. that is the truth... nobody wants to start over i dont think...
tommarow... everyone ive ever called gay or a fag out of hate, will not be one in my eyes
tomarrow.. everyone ive ever had beef with.. ive never met them b4...
anyone ive ever loved or thought was a friend... ill look closely tonight and see what we really are.. im basicly re-evaluating my life..
but CHANGE is iminate ppl...dont hide..dont let urself be told who to be.. im gonna jump out of the box.. anyone who thinks they know me... they wont for long.. im telling u this again because i dont wanna go.. but i have to.. i even had to right it down in front of me in big sharpie letters...
i will create my own style.. and now im not a punk... and im now not into reggae.. and im now not into hip/hop.. i no longer like rap/ i no longer need something to tell me who to be... now... i like everything just as if ive never seen it b4.. i guess im an ultimate punk or somethin... name me what u will.. but know that no one word in any language's dictionary can name me completely... its futile.. i know almost all of them... and none of them discribe me...
but still i have to go even if the voice in the back of my head tells me not to...i promissed myself id do this soo im not gonna back down.. im gonna stop hesitating and jump in the lake....
layt0r, wish me luck Comment! (0) | Recommend! Thursday. 2.12.04 6:48 pm mood: high
listening to: I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend - The Ramones
I gonna get a cat.. and im gonna name him Felix, which is a problem cuz my mom has a problem with cats for some reason... but oh well still gettin a black and white cat named felix... man i alrdy love him dont u?
thats it.. still deciding if i wanna keep writing here or not.... layter Comment! (0) | Recommend! how did the cat get soo fat? Thursday. 2.12.04 1:08 am INTRO: well... guess who came crawlin back...
ya im gonna write, wanna make somethin of it?... i got a baseball bat and a few friends who will put you where u need to be,
love me! valintines day what a day... i got something planned but i dun wanna say anything cuz who knows who reads this thing anyways..
"even if its easy to be free, whats your definition of freedom, and who the fuck are you, anyway, and who the fuck are they, who the fuck am i to say, what the fuck is really goin on?" -- NOFX
this is how i feel right now, my mom asked me what i thought about the ppl running for president, and i told her straight up, "i dont give a fuck" it doesnt matter what i think... i cant vote anyways, and i got real pissed.. but then i got to thinkin.. i have a fake id right.. so can i vote? or do they take ur name and or social sec. # and what not... i would really like to know cuz i would seriously go and vote with my my fake id but i didnt wanna ask my mom for obvious reasons... if u know let me know cuz i REALLY wanna ROCK DA VOTE
"i aint a political man, but i do have a hand" - Ryan Migaud
"we didnt land on plymouth rock, plymouth rock landed on us" Malcom-X
i watched a whole 4 hours on Malcom-X's life, my mom always told me he was a bad man and was very racist, and until lately ive been taking everyone's word for what they said as what i should believe, that is completely wrong, if nobody asked questions where would we be? so now.. im discovering things for myself, finding truths, then forming my own opinion, and i never knew why my mom thought malcom was such a bad man, i watched the whole thing and i now know a lot more.. he was bad, but he did start to change, he saw it correctly(in my mind) in the end, and i am a firm believer that ppl can change themselves the second before they die.. and turn their whole life around... maybe that is not enough time to repent for past sins, but the second u decide to change - you are changed right? i formed my own ideas, and thought for a change, and malcom-X isnt soo bad, his ideas were definately extreme unorthodox or unaccepted but that doesnt make them uncorrect by any means, and at times i could see him being overly powerful, and power currupts but, he ended up on top, well; assassinated all the same, but still on top im too tired to write exactly what i mean but i hope u get the idea
"What happened to your bush
It's not the same
Something in your hedge
Made a violent change
We come we see
We dive and destroy
And anhilating shrubs is what we enjoy
Hedge core hedge dive hedge core
We're doin hedges to stay alive
It's anarchy night every night of the year
With chaotic mayhem
We keep your bush in fear
Terrorist assasins of creative gardening
Fucking up your hedge here's what we sing " - Operation Ivy | Hedgecore
I wanna riot ladies and gentlemen, i wanna go hedge diving... if u live close to me or know me, then let me know and we can go run around town and fuck up ppl's hedges! RAWR
Sneakers- funny, laid-back, and goofy, you love to make people laugh and have a good time. You enjoy comfort and don't care to much about what people think of you. You like to hang out with your buddies and just have a good time. [please vote! thank you! :)]
What Kind of Shoe Are You?
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ill add more to this tomarrow but i need some sleep first
good later, good sir
Comment! (0) | Recommend! Sunday. 1.25.04 3:06 pm mood: i wanna riot!
listening to: poison - Rancid
watching: your back player
ok well.. journals are gay =]
i really dont need one.. its not helping me do shit and i usually keep all this shit in my head anyways i dont need to write it down because its my life i feel better just keepin it up top there cuz thats my style =]
but its been fun i dont wanna be gay and say bye cuz i really dont give a shit
FELIX FOR LIFE
out Comment! (1) | Recommend! Sunday. 1.25.04 12:16 am mood: kickass
listening to: judy is a punk - the Ramones
watching: my stocks
this post is dedicated to change
voice A:do you wanna dance?
voice B:oh ya sure, i got this itch in my pants
voice A:does it hurt?
voice B:naw its those kind that feel soo good you dont want them to go away..
voice A:oh... no idea what your talkin about... my itchs are annoying
voice B:well its like... you get soo used to not having an itch that when you get one it itches...
voice A:huh?
voice B:well i get used to the itch so it doesnt "hurt" it just feels normal
voice A:ya thats all fine and everythign but what happens when you feel normal?
voice B:nothing at all you feel great...
voice A:whatever fuck you Comment! (0) | Recommend! | 
